oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
did i just pee glitter
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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