it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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