I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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