My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
