Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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