I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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