If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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