Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
