Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
