I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
