just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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