I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
