I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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