Don't make out with my wife yet
just tell him i said nine months
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
