Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
