I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
