he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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