I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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