her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
