Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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