Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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