You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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