I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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