i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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