I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
