i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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