Umm I'm too high to move.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
