So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
