I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
