I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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