apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
