all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
