went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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