I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
