I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
