absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
