She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
