The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
