someone threw a dead crab at me
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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