Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
is wine microwaveable?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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