we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
