Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
