I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
