He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
