I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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