I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
