Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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