That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
