You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
