Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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