Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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