IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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