I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
