some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
