Apparently you make a good broom.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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