Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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