i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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