watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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