I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
