god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
